Coffee With E

How Gillian Lawrence Protected Her Peace by Changing Her Circle

• Erica Rawls

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She thought they were her ride-or-die. But some friendships nearly cost her everything.

Listen if you’re questioning the people in your circle, this might be the clarity you’ve been needing.

In this powerful episode of Coffee with E, Gillian Lawrence shares how walking away from toxic friendships saved her life and how you can protect your peace, too. From betrayal and burnout to boundaries and discernment, Gillian’s journey is both raw and inspiring.

If you’ve ever questioned who really belongs in your circle, this episode will give you the clarity and courage to choose peace over pressure.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

– How to recognize when friendships no longer serve you

– Why discernment is critical in protecting your peace

– The difference between associates, seasonal friends, and lifelong friends

– Gillian’s personal story of changing her circle and transforming her life

– Practical steps for creating a healthier, more supportive network

“Protect your peace and thrive in your purpose.” — Gillian Lawrence

Books by Gillian Lawrence:

– Moonlight: An Urban Love Story (Pre-order): http://www.guidedbygill.com/

– Crush Your Fear of Flying: https://www.amazon.sg/Crush-Your-Fear-Flying-yourself/dp/B0D3TSGD4L

Also available on:

Spotify: https://spoti.fi/469WOZv

Apple Podcasts: https://apple.co/3WkNWf8


Special thanks to our sponsors:

TOCH Construction • Allstate Insurance – Rob Shaw

Chavis Law Firm • Dirty Dog Hauling • Fidelis Mortgage

💼 Powered by The Erica Rawls Team


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Erica Rawls:

I had to learn that everybody is not your friend. Everybody doesn't deserve a seat at your table. Some people are associates, some people are your lifelong friends, some people were there for a season and some people were there to teach you a lesson. So I think it's important that people as us in general women in general as well is to really take inventory of the people in our life and also utilize our discernment and exercise our discernment and why this person is in our life and exercise our discernment in why this person is in our life.

Gillian Lawrence:

Have you ever had a situation where you were in a friend circle and then, as you start to evolve, you realize that the friends that used to be your friends have changed? Or have you changed? For example, your friends in college, you hit it off very well and then, all of a sudden, one of you get married. Then the dynamics start to change and then you feel, when you have that conversations like you used to have, staying up all night with them something's just not clicking. That support that you two used to have, staying up all night with them, something's just not clicking. That support that you two used to have or your group used to have, is no longer the same. Why is that? That's exactly what we're going to be talking about today with our guest, jillian Brooks, who is an author, a multifaceted businesswoman and, as she says, your girl's girl, and we're going to get into it. Welcome, jillian. Hi, how are you? I'm good, good, beautiful, set. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm so glad to have you here. I'm happy to be here.

Gillian Lawrence:

Yeah, because we were talking before we actually started shooting this episode, like, okay, so how did we meet Right? How did we're just trying to figure it out. You're like I don't know. And then I started thinking, you know why or how we met? Was the fact that I'm drawn to people that are just naturally dynamic, right, that aren't afraid to speak their truth, and they're just multifaceted, right, and not only do they say the thing they actually do, the thing that's right, that's me is that you, that's me, I'm telling you. So I gravitated to you and I was like you know what? I want to check her out. And then we connected on IG and I saw that you were doing your podcast, right, guided by Jill. Yes, said hey, I think we need to collaborate. Yes, absolutely, and that's why we're here, yes, and I'm happy to be here.

Gillian Lawrence:

I'm happy to have your platform.

Erica Rawls:

Oh, thank you.

Gillian Lawrence:

I love your platform.

Erica Rawls:

Thank you so much. It's clean, it's professional. I love it, so I'm so happy to be here.

Gillian Lawrence:

Yeah, thank you so much. So we're going to get into it. Let's get into it. So we're going to be talking about friendships Gulp, when to change your circle. So I shared of a situation where we see a lot of times that the evolution of friendships Right, so let's just get right into it. Let's share a scenario where you may have felt like you were hurt or how you decided, how you had to navigate through that. Let's just get right into it.

Erica Rawls:

So in regards friendships are. I think friendships for me is is a touchy subject. I feel like I take accountability for my actions. So I feel like, as I'm growing and as I'm going into my journey, people have fallen to the wayside in regards to friendships. But I will. I'm not going to pinpoint like any particular situation, because my friend circle is very small, yeah, so if I do speak on something, they they're gonna know probably who I'm talking about, right?

Erica Rawls:

so um, but all, all the other women, right, right, right but so, um, there has been times like I'm almost, I'm 38, I'll be 39 next month, um, so I'm up there, I'm, I'm getting to that 40.

Gillian Lawrence:

I've had some life experiences, though, I'm sure, and um, I will say that um one.

Erica Rawls:

I've had some life experiences, though, I'm sure, and um, I will say that, um, one thing I've learned is that, um, one thing that's super important as you are getting older or as you're in your journey, is to always have discernment about the people around you.

Erica Rawls:

Um, so, of course, like you said, there's people that we become friends just because the energy is right, or we've met, we met somewhere and we just hit it off. Um, and sometimes I don't think subconsciously, that we take inventory on that person and why they're in our lives. And so this is something that I'm learning to do as I've gotten older is that when I meet people, I had to learn that everybody is not your friend, everybody doesn't deserve a seat at your table. Some people are associates, some people are your lifelong friends, some people were there for a season and some people were there to teach you a lesson. So I think it's important that people as us in general women in general as well is to really take inventory of the people in our life and also utilize our discernment and exercise our discernment and why this person is in our lives.

Gillian Lawrence:

JD Dogg Hauling. Thank you so much for your sponsorship. If you're looking for junk removal company, they are the go-to company. Whether you have a small job or a large job and even excavation, you want to check them out. They are reasonable and also timely and effective. Dirty Dog Hauling. Now back to the show. You think all women have discernment.

Erica Rawls:

I think it's, and I think it's in all of us. I think, just like any tool or any, just like any thing that you do, you should exercise that, that tool or utilize that tool of discernment, and I don't think a lot of us even maybe don't know that we have it or we don't know how to utilize it.

Gillian Lawrence:

That's a fair point, yeah, because I think OK. So, just talking about discernment in itself, I do believe that you have the ability to discern, and I think through this is what I found to be true Some people are gifted to have a higher sense of discernment, and so you may hear people say I'm an empath, they can feel things right. I also think you can train yourself to be that way. Yeah, just through meditation. The more you meditate, just really look inside of yourself, I truly believe that you know, through that experience of that time, right, you start to feel start to feel it and you exercise, you exercise it right.

Erica Rawls:

Or the stronger that your relationship becomes with your higher power, you start to feel it and you exercise, you exercise it Right. Or the stronger that your relationship becomes with your higher power, you start to learn to go to him first, right, before you act on your raw emotion, because our raw emotion, yes, you can be an empath, you can be all of these things, you know a people, person, you can be all these things, but if you're not protecting yourself first, and that's to go to your higher power and say, why am I having this experience? Why is this person in my life? Why, right, or are they allowed to be here, then you will experience these situations where you have, where you become hurt, you feel used, you feel abandoned, all of those things because I have, I have learned as I've gotten older that sometimes people are not in control of what they're doing. Right, yeah, they may be sent from other things Right, to come on on missions, right, and again, with the raw emotion and us just like, wanting love, wanting to fill a void, we allow people in situations into our bubble and they can ultimately destroy us, teach us a lesson or help us grow.

Erica Rawls:

And so I will say that, um, of course I've had situations in my life where I was hurt. Of course I've been in these wacky, petty things with females. Who hasn't? We're women, this is our, this is our natural fair, that's who we are naturally, naturally. Um, but to say and pinpoint exactly like that this person hurt me. I take accountability for that because I allowed that person into my life and it was a lesson for me and hopefully they walked away with a lesson as well. Um, yeah, so that kind of sums that up for me. I don't like to pinpoint and say, oh, this person hurt me, or this person, of course we've been hurt you know, right.

Gillian Lawrence:

So as you evolved from you know high school, you know, to college, then becoming a mom, like, have you seen how your relationships evolved? And right were there, did you like? How did you learn that? Okay, the people that are in my life today right, are here for just that season, versus the ones that are here for a lifetime.

Erica Rawls:

Right. So I want to reiterate, I want to go back on something. I actually went to high school, became a mom, went to college.

Gillian Lawrence:

OK, yeah, so I was yeah.

Erica Rawls:

So I was a teen. I had my son when I was 19 years old, ok, so I did not go to college. Right after high school, I was a mom right away. I didn't go back to college until I was like 27. Okay, after I had my second daughter, after I had my second child. So I have friends from high school. I still have friends from high school. That's awesome.

Erica Rawls:

I just was on the phone with my best friend, like we talk for hours throughout the day. We've been friends since we were 15 years old. She's still my friend and I have other friends as well from high school. So those people have been through it with me and I think just that is such. I think that's such a gift from God because it's like, it's like a family member, right Somebody that you're gifted like your mom or your dad, whether the situation, whether that relationship be positive or negative experience, but to be gifted a friend like that that has been with you through every phase of your life and we joke all the time because I'm like I can't believe like you're this big IT developer. Like we went to school together, we drank mad dog 2020 together, like we part. Like I can't believe like you're this serious person and in her, the same with me. She's's just like. You're so fake You're on the phone with those people. You're being fake because this is just like we've known each other since we were kids, sure, so love that relationship.

Erica Rawls:

Yes, I have friends ever since I was, since we've been in high school, and then I have a group of friends now who have taught me the meaning of family. I have a very small family. I come from a single parent home. My mother raised me by herself, a single mother. My father was incarcerated for the first seven years of my life and then after that he went off and, you know, my mom raised me by herself.

Erica Rawls:

Very small family, but my friend group that I have now. They taught me about like sisterhood. They taught me about like, they taught me how to travel because I used to travel a little bit but when I met them we did traveling on a whole nother level, um, and it's now like they're like my family, um, and we, you know they invite me to things to in their family that are very intimate and private and I get to experience and learn those lessons of what, like larger families look like, because I didn't have that um. So yes, in that journey it's just like you know, you have people and things in between that happen. But you know, I look at, I'm very optimistic, I'm a very optimistic person Like.

Erica Rawls:

I try to look at the good and everything. I will be petty, though. I'll have my moments of petty and be like I remember that you know or I see somebody I mean God is working on me's, working on me, I'm, he's working on me, um. So I'm not going to say that, I won't say that I don't have that pettiness in me, because I do. But I'm very optimistic and I'm I do value where I'm at right now and the relationships in my life right now good so okay, so share a time when you knew that you had to separate, separate, yeah.

Gillian Lawrence:

And how did that feel?

Erica Rawls:

So there was a time in my life when, like I was telling you before, like how wrong can we get? I lived a. I lived a wild life. So I'm from uptown Harrisburg and I've done some things that I'm not proud of.

Erica Rawls:

So there was a time in my life that I lived a life of crime and during that time I had a lot of people around me, a lot of people around me that you know. You know we did some things, you know did some things, and you think that these people are your friends. You think they're going to be around forever, you think they're your ride or die. And they got your back and that's not always the case. And I had somebody at the time who was also in the street and he said to, he sat me down and he said Jillian, he said you are such a beautiful girl, why are you doing the things that you're doing? Thank you. He said you're beautiful.

Erica Rawls:

You're beautiful, you can go to school, you can get your degree. Why are you doing the things that you're doing? And the people around you if you get in trouble or when you get in trouble? Because it's only a matter of time, not if, when, when these people are not going to be there for you and they're not going to be here for your son, and it really opened. He changed my life and he's no longer here, he, he has passed away because of the life that he chose to live, and so he stayed in it but said hey, you need to.

Erica Rawls:

yeah, he had a real conversation with me. Yeah, he had a real conversation with me and I'll never forget him and, um, it made me. Then. You know when they say, when you keep knocking, when God says, keep knocking and he'll open those doors for you, it started like things started to happen around me where, one by one, people started to drop off in situations because God was elevating me, he was putting me in a place, you know, where I would succeed and I would excel. And so people that really really know me, they know, they know this side of me. A lot of people that are new don't know this about me, but anybody that knows me, if they're watching, they're like, oh yeah, she's telling the truth, you know what she's talking about.

Erica Rawls:

And so you know I had to let go of a lot of relationships during that time and I love these people. We had fun, we had a good time and we did it all, but it just was not conducive to the lifestyle that I wanted to live and I thought about my son at the time and like, if something was to happen to me, who would take care of my child? And I didn't want to leave that burden on my mother, because my sister had already passed away and she left five kids and my mom was helping with those. You know her five children. And then here I am, being wild and free and doing these things and then to leave my son. I knew that that was not an option for me, so so for you changing your circle saved your life Absolutely.

Erica Rawls:

Absolutely, because if I would have continued on that path, um with the friends, with the men that I was dealing with, um I would have been in prison or did honestly, if I would have continued the path that I was on.

Gillian Lawrence:

So was it the conversation that you had with him, or did your family attribute to you wanting to change your circle to live a better?

Erica Rawls:

life, not my family so much, because I was the means of survival for my family. So I think my family knew that that wasn't the best thing for me to do. But when you're from these environments or these places, this is all people know, this is all they know. They don't know anything different. They don't tell they don't. You know my first gen college student, so your family's not saying oh, you know, stop and go to college, we can't afford college, we can't pay for college. College, we can't afford college, we can't pay for college. And so I don't know. I'm grateful that that person saw that in me to have that conversation with me because nobody else was going to have that conversation with me.

Erica Rawls:

And and then my poor mom. She didn't even know what I was doing, she had no clue yeah, yeah, I didn't it's.

Gillian Lawrence:

It's crazy because you are probably the, if you had to put a face to you. Don't know, you don't look like what you've been through. Right, absolutely, absolutely, yeah, yeah, yeah, and I need to share with the people that are watching. I had no idea we were going to be having this conversation.

Erica Rawls:

I did I did having this conversation. It's about changing your friends.

Gillian Lawrence:

I did All I know is I wanted to talk about how do you know when it's the right time to change your friend circle.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah, but this is going to touch somebody, like you said.

Gillian Lawrence:

It is going to touch. Somebody had to take two seconds to thank Allstate Insurance for sponsoring this episode. If you're looking for car life or casualty insurance, they're going to be your ultimate insurance company. Thank you, rob Shaw, with Allstate Insurance. Now back to the show. Like, what did it take to get out of that situation? You know what I mean To change that circle. Yeah, just God, did you ever feel like you needed to go?

Erica Rawls:

back, mm-mm. Just God, I think, just my heart, having faith in my higher power and removing myself out of environments. It wasn't like you know, you see these things on TV and you're like, oh, if you, you know, if you leave, this is what's going to happen. It wasn't anything like that, honestly, it's just like, hey, I'm not doing, I'm not participating in these things anymore, right, and then you know it wasn't like you see on TV.

Gillian Lawrence:

No, right, because that's all I can relate.

Erica Rawls:

No, no, I mean, I think I think a lot of people from my neighborhood probably has lived this. Now we won't get into detail, but it's nothing crazy, you know. It's nothing too crazy, but it's just you know you're doing things you shouldn't do. I was around people that this was acceptable and so just I remember giving back everything that I owned and got from that lifestyle and I started over, started completely over, moved back in with my mom, lived in her basement and just I started a new job and I remember I was walking at one point with my son and people were like why is she walking and why is she taking the bus? And I completely just said I'm done, I don't want anything to do with any of these prior dealings, I'm just going to go and really get my life together. I went back to school. I got a job which ended up being my career for the last 18 years. So I worked in health care for the last 18 years. My son is 19. That's awesome.

Erica Rawls:

So I worked in HIV and infectious disease and I started as an outreach worker. I used to pass out condoms outside and then it went to me becoming a case manager and then I said I really, really like healthcare and I really, really like infectious disease, and so it started my career into working in infectious disease. With hepatitis C, I ended up going back to school and minoring epidemiology. Wow, and it was just my life. Like everybody knows the HIV lady, like everybody, like you know, if you needed to get tested for STD or HIV, I worked at the clinic or I worked as a case manager, help people get housing, and so it really like it was. The best thing that ever happened to me was to like really pull myself up by the bootstraps and change my life for the better. And you know, like I said, I was first gen college student and then my son is now enrolled in college, so he's going to school in the healthcare field.

Gillian Lawrence:

Yeah, you're grieving the, grieving the growth.

Erica Rawls:

I'm not. He's already been home twice this week, so, but yeah, so you know it. Just, it just took me to take the steps to to make those changes. And you know my husband says this all the time. He says this. My husband has a similar background as me and he is has changed his life tremendously, so tremendously. He has I mean just the time that we've been together he has done a 180. He is just, he is. It's been beautiful to watch because I remember going through it and then to see him do it and he's like babe, you got the blueprint. Like he says it's easy, all people have to do is just, you know it's easy. He says all the time it's easy out here, it's easy out here, right, and it's like you know. But again, where we're from, people don't have these opportunities.

Erica Rawls:

And then to segue into the work that I do now is create educational and career opportunities for individuals in underserved areas. So you know these, the college applications and the. You know the navigating, the resources and the. You know how, if I get a no here, you can go here and get a yes, you know, and so it really contributed back to. You know everything can go here and get a yes, and so it really contributed back to everything. But changing your circle and changing the people around you, people who have a bigger, they have more. I love people that have more than me. I'm not no hater. I love to be around women who have more than me because it makes my vision for life larger. It makes me want more. If Erica did it, I can do it too. Vision for life larger it makes me want more. If Erica did it, I can do it too. Right, that's the representation. The representation is important, the mentorship is important. And so, yeah, removing, you know not to say that these people were bad, it's not. You know, take accountability for my actions.

Gillian Lawrence:

It just wasn't the lifestyle that was best suited for you, right? That wasn't your purpose, that wasn't for me yeah so then, to the person that's you, when you were, you know, in the streets, what do you say? To that person that wants to get out, right, um, change, it's scary. It is scary. I think it's okay. I'm living this fast life, right, a fast life or a fun life?

Erica Rawls:

um, what do I say? Is this like, if it's something that you want, just do it. You know, just make that change. Um, there's steps, of course, there's a process, there's a blueprint, of course, but you have to want to change first, because you, you know, if you don't want to change, then nothing's going to change, but if you want to change, all you have to do is take that first step.

Erica Rawls:

You know, and I see it with the students I work with all the time, the college that I work for has a reentry program now for folks who are criminally justice involved individuals, to help them, either if they've just come home from prison or if they're on their way to prison. There are so many programs, for they even have programs for people with which they identify as shooters, right, so, children who live a life of crime. And if that is what you are doing or have doing, no judgment, we're going to pay for you to go to school so you can get an education. Yeah, resources are so important for folks, you know, um, and taking that one step right to say I don't want to do this anymore, I want to get a job, I don't want to do this no more, I want to go to school. When you step into that classroom, you're around a whole different type of people, right?

Gillian Lawrence:

you're around, you're fascinating to some people, though, right to think you got to want more for yourself.

Erica Rawls:

And I understand it's intimidating, but I've never been a fearful, fearful person, and my book is called Crush your Fear of Flying. There you go, so plug that in there Crush your fear of flying. So I've never been afraid of anything and that was my gift and my curse. But fear is fear is an illusion. It's just an illusion. What are you afraid of? What's the worst thing that's going to happen? You're going to go in here and somebody says hello to you. You're going to go in here and you're going to actually get an A in your class and you're actually going to succeed. So my aunt bought me the Nelson Mandela. Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, is that we're more powerful beyond measure, and I think that is the part that people have to realize. You're afraid of winning. You're afraid of you're actually afraid that you're actually going to win, not that you're going to lose, because if you lose, like who's going to really see you?

Erica Rawls:

But, if you win now, you have to. You're held to a standard. Now, there you go. You have to keep winning. You have to keep winning. So you're afraid you're going to. You're afraid to win right so that's just the way that I look at it like.

Gillian Lawrence:

Yeah get in there and get it done, so, okay. So I hear what you're saying, right, and yeah, it's easy, it you're making it sound like it was really easy to change your life and to get get out of that circle and to build up to what you have today, right? Author. Multifaceted businesswoman is doing a darn thing, but there's some people that just don't have, I guess, the strength or the ability to change.

Erica Rawls:

I think it's mental, it's a mental thing.

Gillian Lawrence:

I had to take two seconds to interrupt this episode. I would like to thank one of our most recent guests, attorney Jenny Chavis, for sponsoring this show. Chavis Law Firm is an elite law firm in central Pennsylvania that helps with estate planning as well as understanding what type of business entity you should enter into when starting your business. If you're looking for a great attorney that understands estate planning as well as business entity, how to start the right way, you want to check out Attorney Chavis, chavis Law Firm. Now back to the show.

Erica Rawls:

So go ahead, I'll let you finish. Yeah, go ahead, it's a mental thing.

Gillian Lawrence:

So Back to the show, so go ahead, I'll let you finish, yeah, yeah.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah, it's a mental thing.

Erica Rawls:

So I mean, but if you have, if you, if there's resources there, I mean, like we have to utilize our recent resources, our toolkits though, right, so those things could be the if I think about it on a medical level or medical field, or the medical insurance field.

Erica Rawls:

If you are having trauma or if you suffer from trauma or abuse, you have insurance and you utilize the insurance to see a therapist, right, so you go see a therapist and you start to work through things and the therapist is going to give you tools that you put in your toolkit that are going to help you succeed. Um, once you start to see your therapist and then maybe, if you do have some mental health issues, then you can get medication. These are all tools that go back into your toolkit, right, if you need a car, or you haven't, if you're having transportation issues, if you go see somebody whether it be at a community resource, you know organization or you go go to either your health care provider and they help you get insurance, you help you get transportation. That's one more tool that you put in your toolkit. So I mean, if you don't I'm not sure what you're asking Like I'm not sure you have to utilize the tool, right.

Gillian Lawrence:

So how does someone that doesn't know about those resources get them? Because there are situations where where I've seen where, yeah, someone wants to change their life right and they may feel as though they don't have the ability to because they don't have those resources. That's what I was at the question where do you start?

Erica Rawls:

like this so where?

Gillian Lawrence:

where do I start, jillian? Like where do I start?

Erica Rawls:

right, yeah so you know that thing that everybody's on it on all day long. They're on this thing all day and they spend hours upon hours. Right that you can make millions of dollars off of that. So if it starts with googling, you know we can sit online all day. We can find out what's going on with Ray Ray and you know Sally over here.

Erica Rawls:

There's no excuse for you to don't make excuses, and I know that everybody is in a different space, but this is just how I was raised and I know it comes across sometimes because people say, well, why did you say that? I mean, this is the way I was raised and I'm not saying that it was the right, right way to be raised, but it worked for me. Sure, because I learned how to navigate. And we, I found that people are so interesting, they can navigate everything else Right, except what's best for them. We can figure out everything we could.

Erica Rawls:

I have friends that could tell you all your business, probably could tell you everything that's going on with Erica. But when you say, well, how do you do you do? Well, you, you have some skeletons in your closet you got to clean out, you know. So I think our, if we redirect our energy and put that same energy that we put into everything else and everybody else, we can solve everybody else's problems and kind of internalize and kind of look at what are the steps that I need to take, you know, I think people will be able to to navigate and get a mentor. I know everybody doesn't have money for mentors, but you know, if you go to your doctor's office. A doctor can refer you to a behavior health specialist, that they have free services, that somebody you can talk to and maybe get some resources from, or your teacher or you know. So we have to utilize those tools. I mean the tools are there. Start with.

Gillian Lawrence:

Google Right. So as you grew into womanhood, into adulthood, have you found that OK? So, like you've been blessed enough to keep some of your same friends, absolutely, did you find it hard to get into new circles? Never mind, we're talking to Jillian, she just no, no, no, no, it is, we can.

Erica Rawls:

I have challenges there. We can talk about that. We can talk about that.

Gillian Lawrence:

Okay, let's talk about those. It challenges for new circles. No, no, go out there, do it crush that fear I will.

Erica Rawls:

I think. I think that the challenge is where I'm at now is that I am yearning for new connections, right Business connections, mentorship, and I haven't been able to. It hasn't come to me yet. So I pray my due diligence. I might reach out to three or four people.

Gillian Lawrence:

I might come through this episode Like what you looking for, what you looking for.

Erica Rawls:

Right, I've tried to look for mentorship and it hasn't come to me yet. And I pray about it all the time. I pray about it all the time. I'm like God, I want a mentor, but I don't, I don't want this and I don't. I'm very, I'm very directed my prayers and I'm very precise at my prayers. I don't want this and I don't want that and I want it to be this and I need it to be this. And then you know the back end, what I need, right, and so it hasn't come to me yet, but you know, like I said, I yearn to be around women who have more, you know, because it makes, it inspires me. It inspires me. So I would say that that's a challenge, or maybe it just hasn't happened yet.

Gillian Lawrence:

Do you think it's hard to find good mentors?

Erica Rawls:

Yes, I do, I do and I will say that because I feel like a lot of people in my experience, a lot of people in my experience, um, they come in with their baggage.

Gillian Lawrence:

But don't we all have baggage though? Julian, we do. You're nice, you know what? It's funny that you said that, because I get that a lot. Yeah, I'm too nice.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that. Yeah, I'm too nice. I will say, though, if I was in a role to be a mentor in which I am I have people to come to me all the time. Right now, I am not taking anybody to mentor or coach. Right now my books are not open because I have to work with the things that I need, to work on my baggage yeah, things that I may have picked up in the last two years maybe.

Erica Rawls:

So there was a time that I was coaching. That's one of my businesses. I do business coaching, do life coaching, but right now I'm not taking any clients because I'm taking the time to fill my cup. I'm going to therapy, I'm working on my foundation of my family of mine. This is my second marriage. I'm working on building my marriage, a strong foundation. My children are in different spaces. I'm not going to stretch myself then to say just to keep a business, my business, you know on the forefront right at this moment, because my kids sanity and my husband's sanity is more important to me at this point in my life than mentoring.

Gillian Lawrence:

So I feel like you know, you can take what you can kind of draw from there. No, this is great, because I think it has a lot to do with what you said. Right, you don't have the capacity to bring on and help somebody else, right To be a mentor. I'd like to ask you is that the same thing as friendships too? But to finish my thought, because you're pouring into your husband and to your children and into your profession, into your husband and to your children and into your profession. So you know that, hey, for me, my bandwidth is, I'm at my capacity, yeah.

Gillian Lawrence:

So I think that's to be commended, because I think a lot of times, we try to put on way too many hats and we're not able to give ourselves the oxygen we need in order to be effective for the people that our loved ones need as well, in order to be effective for the people that our loved ones need as well. So what about friendships right now? Because I think, as adults, it's hard for us to navigate that and to actually allow other people in. And then, if I want to get really granular, it's really hard for women, Right, really hard for women. So how do you navigate that?

Erica Rawls:

I am, like I said, in a space where, you know, pouring into everything else and ever in my family I mean and pouring into my family structure. So I do tell my friends. I like I send a text message out to my friends like at the beginning of semester, because now I'm in and um in school to get my master's. Now this is my second time around because I the first time didn't go well, um. So I told him. I said, hey, like you know, my friends do a lot, they travel, they brunch, they, you know, they going bowling, they doing everything. So I said, hey, like you know, I'm getting ready to lock into my master's program. I'm not going to be answering text messages, I'm not going to be available to do all of these things. I'm trying to save up for a house we want to relocate.

Erica Rawls:

I'm kind of on pause right now, but I love y'all and I'm here if you need me, I cook for I cook for everybody, my friends and my family, and if you need me to cook something, I'm here.

Erica Rawls:

But you know, other than that, I, you know, I it's, it's close. So I think it's really important I say all that to say I think it's really important that, as adults and as women, if we're clear on why we're maybe not communicating as much or we're not answering the phone as much or we're not hanging out as much, as because there's other areas of our life that we really need to pour into right now, that doesn't mean that I don't love you I don't. It doesn't mean I'd love you less or that I don't want to be your friend or I don't want to hang hang out, but there's just other things that really, really need my attention right now. And I can't be pouring into this relationship and my kids need me, or I can't be spending more time out of the house and my husband feels like he needs me, you know, and there is a balance in it, but I am not at the place where I can balance it and I'm a woman enough to say that.

Gillian Lawrence:

Oh, you're balancing it. Yeah, You're just saying hey, guess what my family is? All the things that I have available to balance.

Erica Rawls:

That's all I have right now. Yeah, friends, I'm here for you. I think communication, that open communication, is important, because when you don't have that, or you or someone's afraid to, or be afraid to be assertive, to say what I said, um, then there's like well, why is she acting funny? Or she answered my phone calls? And because I was afraid to say that my family comes first.

Gillian Lawrence:

And.

Erica Rawls:

I had to draw the line in the sand and say you know we're not friends Because I keep asking you what's wrong. I keep reaching out. Now this has become One thing about me I don't chase men, I don't chase money and I don't chase friends. Okay, I love you. I attract everything. Everything great comes to me, everything that I'm meant to have I wake up to in the morning. I don't chase anything. So if I start to feel like I'm chasing you or I'm repetitive in what I got, I have children attend to. Yeah, I have business to attend to.

Gillian Lawrence:

Hold on, jillian, what about the? Okay, you're not chasing them, but what about? Okay, you're. You're a multifaceted woman, you have a lot of things on your plate, right, so you're just busy, right. And their intention is not to not respond, is not having the opportunity, but saying it out loud. I'm thinking, okay, if I'm giving you something, um, hello, you can take two seconds out of your day to respond.

Erica Rawls:

So it's like the same thing If you're in a relationship with a man, right, and we were kicking it, we're cool, we're this, that, that and you don't have two seconds to say hey, honey, I'm really, really busy today. It's nothing against you, you're're beautiful, I love you. Right, you need two hundred dollars. Here it is.

Gillian Lawrence:

Have a good day, yeah well then, I would just keep it real to my friends that I have not text after you text. I do apologize. I do love y'all and I'll text you after this episode yeah, yeah, I didn't even think about that. So thank you for that.

Erica Rawls:

Thank you just like, take two seconds. Or you know I understand everybody's busy, but you know I'm busy too fair and and my friend, and when I'm like I said, my friend I was talking to, we talked for hours on the phone and she knows that she doesn't hear. You know what I mean. You take the time. So what? I had time today because I was off today. So I want to sit on the phone with my friend because she's not as busy. She might not be as busy as I am, but I want to give you this time today. I'm intentional in the time that I do make for the people I love. You get what I mean, or my friendships, or you know I'm intentional about that. Ok, it's Monday of this. Then I have to draw the line and say and say you know what I love you, but I'm gonna have to, because you almost feel as though you're being taken advantage of or taking me for a ride yeah, yeah, I don't care.

Gillian Lawrence:

You don't care as much as I care about you or something is there and not even that something's wrong and right.

Erica Rawls:

Something's wrong but you're not able to share, you're not able to communicate it. Yeah, blink twice if you're in trouble like something right.

Gillian Lawrence:

Yeah, something okay yeah, that's you know what. Thank you for that. You're welcome because we're we're keeping it real we're keeping it real.

Gillian Lawrence:

We're taking accountability. We are taking accountability. I did not know it was going to be a session today. So stop it. Stop it. So as what about the friends? Or the people will just make it. In general, you see, those friendships that are toxic and yet they just remain as friends. We all know it's time for them to just stop it, just to stop. What do you say? Have you experienced that? Um? What would you say to those people?

Erica Rawls:

well what my husband would say because he is my, he's your accountability partner, he is just the best. Um, I did not know boundaries before I met him. I thought that I was supposed to, you know, because that comes from trauma, that comes from that void in childhood, those boys in childhood right of wanting to be everything to everybody and wanting to be accepted, and I thought I had to make myself available to everybody because if I didn't I would be a bad person. And he tells me so what? Who cares?

Gillian Lawrence:

Hey, I need to take two seconds to interrupt this wonderful show that you're watching. I run a real estate business and the way we fund this podcast is through that business, the Erica Ross team. I would love it if you would just give us one opportunity to service your real estate needs, whether you are in central PA or around the entire world. Think of us first, so we can help you. Now back to the show.

Erica Rawls:

If you, you have to protect your peace, jillian, you have to set boundaries. If you don't like the way you feel when you leave this person or this environment or certain counter, then that is not for you. You don't have to deal. You don't have to deal with that. And so you taught me have it. They just got it naturally. And he's a gemini, so men do have it. They are just unbothered. They are. That's the one part of being. I wish sometimes that I could have that. Yeah, that men have is the unbotheredness. Yeah, um, but he taught me boundaries and so, um, I don't remember the question exactly so toxicity, and how do you let that go?

Erica Rawls:

like you don't. You don't owe this person anything. This person may have been there for you, like when somebody in your family made a past away, or maybe they loaned you money or something like that. But if you don't like the way the relationship is going, or just like it, if it's an intimate relationship, um, let's have a conversation. And if the behaviors continue, then I have to remove myself from the situation.

Erica Rawls:

You know, and I'm grateful for that, learning those boundaries and learning to be assertive when it comes to my piece, because I could be assertive about everything else business and this and that work I could do that easily. But when it came to my personal boundaries and what I allow people to do to me, do those things to me it was just an open, it was just open. You know, open house, it was just free for all, um, and so I'm going to have a conversation with you. If I feel at this point in my life, if I feel as though you continue to still exert those behaviors, then there's nothing for us to. You know, we're gonna have to go separate ways, but when I see people that are in those vicious cycles, um, they just don't have boundaries. Just like setting those boundaries for themselves. Um, and, like I said, intimate relationships, friendships, work relationships with their children. You see, people's kids run all over them too, and um, that is true.

Gillian Lawrence:

Yeah, yeah, it's okay to have boundaries. It is okay to have boundaries, so you look like someone that has a bright light. Right, your light is shining bright. Yeah, thank you, you're welcome. So how do you navigate?

Erica Rawls:

right, the moths coming to the lake. Yes, yeah, so she said the moths the moths yes yeah, and my good friend Asia said that to me.

Erica Rawls:

She said you're a bright light and you it's bright light to track moths too, um, and so again back to that discernment piece, um, and I think I was at one point even. You know, if everybody wanted to be my friend, it could be my friend. If a, if a wanted to talk to me, he could talk to me too. Everybody could come. You know, it's enough of Jill to go around, you know, but I had to. I learned that bright lights also attract moths, right, and you have to look at a person's intentions. And if you want to be my friend, you want to be my friend really, really, really bad. Why do you want to be my friend? Really, really, really bad. Like, do you think that I'm going to help you? Do you want me to mentor you? Do you think you're going to get something free?

Erica Rawls:

Do you think just being around me is going to, you know, open up doors for you. I have to take inventory on that when people come like, come around now, before it was like a free-for-all and I got burnt every time. I got burnt every time. And so, um, if I meet you and you're coming on as my assistant for my job for a business, yes, you have to stay as my assistant for in business. Wow, yeah, we, we. It's going to take time for us to to build, to build that relationship, whereas before it was again, sure, that's my girl, that's my friend, yeah, yeah, yeah, right. But then things happen. People come with their baggage, they come with their ill intentions, Right, and they come in and they get what they need and they do the things that keep, you know, you know, get things going, and then they go right out the door you had, there was no repercussion, there was no vetting, there was no, none of that Right For them to come into your life. And this is this is again intimate relationships friendships.

Gillian Lawrence:

So do you have not anxiety lack of a better word Do you get anxious, timid or anxious when it comes to okay, yeah, I'm allowing someone else to come into my life because of things that happened in the past. So how are you working through that therapy?

Erica Rawls:

okay, therapy helps, um, again, I'm also grateful for the people that I have in my life now, because not only are um, their eyes, for me too right, so your circle, a bit my circle, is their, their eye. I don't know the correct word, how I can say it, but like their eyes, they, they see things that maybe I don't see because I am, I'm open, I'm friendly, I like to be, you know, and then I have to like, ok, jill, all right, calm down. Right, you know, calm down. But then my friends will say or close family member or husband, right, no, right, I stopped there, you know. So there is some angst, you know, I am anxious sometimes when people new come around. But that's why I say these next connections that I do have, I'm praying that God brings these connections to me and that I'm able to see with my own eyes that these people are for me, or I'm supposed to be in this space.

Gillian Lawrence:

Yeah, yeah, I applaud you being open to having this conversation, absolutely, and I feel like we could just keep going on. Continue to talk about it. So I would love to invite the audience. What are some things that you are afraid of when it comes to, you know, growing your circle or letting go of loved ones? Growing your circle or letting go of loved ones, your friends, even sometimes family members that just don't serve you well. How do you work through that? Because that's something I think we all struggle with and, again, as women, I think we see it more often the fear of disappointing outweighs our Self-preservation. Yes, preserving ourself and our mental wellbeing is something that we definitely need to visit at some point. This was a great conversation, y'all the importance of friendships, recognizing when to change your circle and then just building a supportive circle around you. Jillian Erica, thank you so much, you're welcome.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah, yeah, welcome. Yeah, yeah, we have to do this again. Thank you for the platform to be. To keep it real, you're welcome. I think we did that today, we did do that.

Gillian Lawrence:

You did that, yes, yes.

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